i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
