fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
