did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
