I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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