when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
