she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
