She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
