I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
