Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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