My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
