So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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