Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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