got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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