We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
