If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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