Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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