I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
