11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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