My hand turned me down
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
