my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
