I'm gonna have a badass scar
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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