He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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