If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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