I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
