I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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