i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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