I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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