I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
