I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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