i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
