i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
