They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
