Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
