New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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