wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
