last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
