if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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