Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
