it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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