Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Your cock deserves a montage
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
