You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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