And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
