We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
