wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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