I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
