Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
