Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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