Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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