You smell like stripper and shame
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
