You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
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