Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
